In my 21 years of life, I can think back to certain points in time when I had bursts of courage and bravery. I relive this feeling when I think back to how I handled starting a new summer job, transitioning into college, or merely finishing a class presentation, however none of that compares to the bravery I’ve felt when I learned to finally accept myself for who I am. In order to do that, I’ve had to accept the fact that I struggle with depression and anxiety everyday and in order to take care of myself, I’ve had to reach out for help. As this has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to come to terms with, it was the bravest I’ve seen myself in my whole life.
Ever since I can remember, I’ve been ashamed of myself and who I knew I was on the inside. For most of my life, I felt like I was living two different lives—the life that everyone saw from the outside; the happy, outgoing, carefree person, the person I wanted to be. And then my second life was the one I lived by myself: suffering from crippling depression and anxiety. I did everything in my power to hide the fact I struggled with mental illness. Only the people close to me knew, and I wanted to keep it that way. I didn’t want people to view me any differently so I invested all my energy every day in making sure that I was accepted by the people around me. I thought that maybe all the darkness would go away by pretending I was fine and that maybe one day I’d wake up and never feel this way again. This mentality of thinking it was okay to bottle everything up caused me to break over and over.
I can gladly say that I have been strong enough to change this mentality. I’ve come to terms with the fact that depression doesn’t just go away. I have to live with this every day. The difference is that now, I have found ways to take care of myself. I know that people are there for me when I need to ask for help or talk about how I am feeling. I don’t have to hide anymore, and I don’t have to be worried about other people judging me. The bravest I ever felt was putting an end to my double life and realizing that the true acceptance I had been searching for was from myself.
These past few months, I have been putting myself back together piece by piece. As cliche as it sounds, I’ve learned that it is really okay not to be okay. Allowing myself to admit I have depression and actually allow myself to understand it, has opened up a whole new world for me. Accepting myself has shown me a new way of life I didn’t know was possible. Allowing myself to be honest on days I don’t feel great instead of keeping it to myself has made more of a difference in my life than I could have imagined. Even though accepting the fact I struggle with mental illness may seem like a small step, it has been the biggest step forward I have made in my life so far.
